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Literature Text
I'll be fire-dressed
Flame-wrapped
Darkness at my feet
I'll be in the dark
But not of it
I'll beat it down
Force it to bow
And swallow it whole
Because if I ever gave in
It would swallow me
Flame-wrapped
Darkness at my feet
I'll be in the dark
But not of it
I'll beat it down
Force it to bow
And swallow it whole
Because if I ever gave in
It would swallow me
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Literature
Aura: The Radiance
Aura: The Radiance
I wore this pain like a crown / I was so broken
I kept on falling down / I felt my soul shattering
I couldn't hear anything / listening to my own twisted thoughts
I was blinded from everything / witnessing my own tragic downfall
I stopped dreaming of better days / I ceased believing long ago
My countless nightmares wouldn't fade / I was left in this dark world alone
I guess this is how I really pictured my own end
I just want it to finally be over with, I won't resent death
To the end of this long, and lonely road
Dangling on my unfinished rope
Lift me up, lift me up, lift me up, and don't let me go!
Hold me hig
Literature
Dance and Flame
The most meaningful moments
Are lost throughout time
The most masterful memories
Are the long fading line
The enormous emotions
Make the engines of man
The exceptional elements
Light the fire that can
Melt and burn
Dance and roar
Flash and flame
Blaze and more
The rain from before
The crimson sky
Aflame and enchanted
The storm is alive
Alive with passion
Alive with love
Thriving compassion
Dive up above
Defying all gravity
Float with me soon
Replying so gentily
She whispered: The Moon
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I suppose I'm really fascinated by how it's so hard not to give in to violent or dangerous emotion, but how letting it in a little bit can make you stronger, but you can't or the temptation just grows and grows and you end up going really bad. Or maybe I should just seek qualified help...
© 2012 - 2024 FaeFallen
Comments21
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VISION: 4/5
You get your ideas across to the reader but there are some places you could alter the poem to be that much stronger.
ORIGINALITY: 4/5
The lines that stick out, although simple and direct language is used, are Lines 6-8:
I'll beat it down
Force it to bow
And swallow it whole
Force it to bow
And swallow it whole
^The Speaker, although seemingly trapped in a negative, dark space, comes into her/himself and says "I will overcome this hard time in my life." But, this also relates to the fire - which by nature pushed back the darkness and lights the way. The previous weakness in the poem, being in the darkness and feeling weighted down, is temporarily beaten back, and the Speaker and fire become dominant images. This section is what I personally relate to and I think a wider range of readers can easily realte to this as well.
Repetition: In some cases it can be a strength to repeat a concept or idea immediately in a poem. However, in this case your first two lines have a clear "winner" in terms of which line is the strongest.
Line 1
I'll be fire-dressed
Versus Line 2
Flame-wrapped
Flame-wrapped
^Line one has a stronger image attached to it. Even if you wrote this before watching or reading Hunger Games, readers will imagine "a girl on fire," Katniss' dress from Hunger Games which looks likes flames when she twirls and later on her dress that actually burns away into a mockingjay dress in Catching Fire. In comparison 'flame-wrapped' seems a much weaker image and takes away the powerful start of the piece. I suggest omitting Line 2 completely. The opem would then read
I'll be fire-dressed
Darkness at my feet
World Play: You exhibit a strong understanding of how words can be used to create scenery and to create mood. This is done well in Lines 3 and 4.
Lines 3 and 4
Darkness at my feet
I'll be in the dark
^ This seems to be another case of unecessary repetition, until the reader slows down and really dissects these lines technically. You have created a heavy mood by setting up a dark scene while at the same time asserting that the Speaker (the voice dictating the poem) is in the dark, or in another words literally in the darkness and also metaphorically being kept "in the dark" by people around her or him.
IMPACT: 5/5
Lines 9 and 10 capture the concept of darkness, depression, and hard times by asserting at the last minute "I must stay strong otherwise I'll be emotionally/mentally/physically destroyed.
Lines 9 and 10
Because if I ever gave in
It would swallow me
It would swallow me
^ The last line especially asserts the dangers of darkness and fire. That although you are in control or attempt to maintain control there are times when life gets overwhelming and you feel as if you are beign swallowed by fast changes, unexpected cirumtanes, etc. These lines end the poem with a decisive yet bittersweet note.